NOTE: This is a Guest Post used with permission from Guest Author Stacey L. Lacik at http://staceylacik.com.
Lots
of thoughts and feelings tonight.
Seemed
like every demon in Hell was ready and waiting before I even swung my
feet over the edge of the bed this morning. (Okay, ‘swung’ might
not be the most accurate word – there’s not much swinging going
on over here. Crawled is a bit more like it.)
Anyway,
I had to distract myself all morning to keep from sinking into
sadness. Some time in the Word, with a cup
pot
of coffee, and then some time getting group notes and files in order,
and eventually I felt better.
And
then, in a notebook, in the middle of notes on European history, I
found several journal pages from the beginning of the end of my
marriage. (When I say the beginning of the end, I mean long after it
actually ended; it just took a few years for the reality to hit.
Shock does that to a person.)
Notes
on how my husband, after having been gone for a couple of years,
verbally attacked me in a pet store (Why were we there? We didn’t
own a pet) of all places, in front of the salespeople and our
daughters, who were little at the time. How I began to realize that
I had outgrown him while he was gone, not just spiritually, but
emotionally, and that there really was no marriage left, and hadn’t
been for sometime. How the manager had come to confront him, and
help me. How completely and utterly humiliating it all was.
More
notes.
He
had pushed me one day, quite
hard, in our bedroom, and then, after staring at me and hesitating
for a moment, pushed me again, and I flew all the way across the room
and hit the dresser. (This ended up being a hospital visit, with one
of the discs in the center of my back protruding visibly through my
t-shirt) and how, somehow, that particular day, it finally occurred
to me that he wasn’t ‘out of control’ he was in fact very much
in
control.
Something
about the way he hesitated before pushing me the second time. That
day – that very day, I realized that abusive people are not
‘mentally ill’. They are masters of not only self-control, but of
deception. That it is easier for them to charm the oil out of a
snake than it is for them to tell the truth.
For
so many years I had made excuses for him: I had made him angry, he
was mentally ill, he had childhood issues (who doesn’t?) but I
never called it what it was. I never saw
it
for what it was, until that exact moment, on that exact day. All
because he stopped to think about it. Truly mentally ill people don’t
do that. Abusive people do. If he hadn’t hesitated, I wouldn’t
have seen it.
The
nice thing about getting older is
that you get (hopefully) more clear-headed. You become more firm in
your convictions, right or wrong, so watch yourself, but you get
stronger. You become free. I know that I do not want any more
abusive people in my life, and certainly not in my heart.
I
do not want any more ‘friends’ who get angry if I don’t do what
they feel I should do, never mind the fact that I am more than
capable of hearing from God for myself, thank you, and I also do not
want any more people who wear their psychiatric labels like a suit of
armor, protecting and absolving them from any moral responsibility in
the wars they wage against other people. It’s not that they can’t
control their anger, it’s that they choose not to.
Why
so transparent tonight, about
such personal issues? Because the walls of my heart are all trampled
down tonight, and in this brief space of time, before they go up
again tomorrow, I need to put all of this somewhere before I go to
sleep.
Somewhere
where maybe it can help someone, who is tonight where I was all those
few years ago. And all I can tell you is, God Himself delivered me.
That if you trust Him, He will make a way out; He surrounds us with
His legions of angels, He goes both before and behind us, and leads
us through, and out the other side.
I
am not completely through yet, but can definitely see sunlight up
ahead. (That had better not be a train.)
So,
I am sad and worn out tonight, but oh, so thankful for all that God
has delivered me from. So very thankful.
And
we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of
those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.
~ Romans
8:28
If
we remain in His love, God will redeem every circumstance for His
glory.
End
Of Guest Post